Big City vs. Little City

I have been thinking of doing this type of post yet wanted to get my thoughts together, yet then again I am the type that tries to rap on top of my head.  Even when I watch episodes of Jerry Springer (online, not at home), I get this idea.  When I was growing up in Hot Springs, I knew I wanted to venture out & see what else was out there, a key reason why I decided to get my education at The University of Memphis.  I got to see the differences in Hot Springs & Memphis, it was the size, but because of the size, it was easier to see other things & variations as well.

 

But also, I have seen how people react in these different environments, with both the job market, in relationships, and just being yourself.  Now its already a given; being in a bigger market often mean more jobs & better jobs.  I have stayed in a smaller market, there are more slim pickings & a lot of jobs around here are more about who you know than what you know, that is even how I landed my present job.  I had people here shocked that I was a black man w/ an education, & turned their backs w/o doing their background check on me, keep in mind I came back to HS to keep a lookout on my family.  But recently I have been getting more & more people telling me that my mom & sis would be fine w/o me, so I am venturing out other options outside of the city.

 

Also w/ relationships & being yourself, it does go hand in hand.  Some people in smaller cities may feel they don’t have other options, so they go for the best option that is around.  Yes, I heard numerous times because Im from Arkansas, I have a taste for women in my bloodline lol.  I know that Jerry Springer is somewhat fake, but I have known those type of situations to happen where family members fought over people to date.  In a bigger market, people have that confidence that they are gonna meet someone that will be their match & someone that the family likes.  Also seen it here where theres more interracial dating happening in a small town because it’s the easier option & you are lonely, more likely in a bigger population, if you go into a interracial relationship, its because you have chemistry w/ that other person.  Basically, a lot of people in smaller towns are not as comfortable being by themselves because there is nothing much else to get into.  But myself going from a small city to big city, my taste in women has improved.  Most of the women I have dated the past 10 or something years have goals for themselves, also most of them either had a college degree or was pursuing one.  I want to date a woman that is happy w/ themselves, not one that has low self-esteem.

 

Now w/ the 3^rd point is how Im closing out: Some people feel that they could be a better person if they went to a bigger city or be themselves.  I remember watching a talk show where a guy came out as gay to his live-in girlfriend, we also saw his boyfriend that he was undercover w/ & he told him that since he lived in a small town, he couldn’t be the person he actually wanted to be.  I am a heterosexual person, but I understood the point in this.  Opportunity wise, it would be cool to move to a larger environment, but relationship & self wise, you gotta be honest w/ yourself.  What I want to tell people in small cities is that you deserve that right to be happy, yet you have to realize that w/ venturing out, you understand you will have someone that is meant for you, you don’t have to fight someone for someone who is suppose to be your soulmate & you don’t have to settle in a bad relationship, just staying until hopefully something better comes along; be happy w/ being single.  Sometimes if you can focus more on improving yourself than being in a relationship, the right relationship will come to you.  You also have that right to be yourself & you have to be strong to be yourself & who YOU want to be, if you are saying you have to go to a diff city to be yourself, you are not really that strong of a person.

 

Deuces, but really 5’s lol.  That’s all for today

Happy Beginning of December!!!

So pretty much trying to still clean house this weekend.  The Houston job search has been progressive, heard back from 2 places, nothing much, but at least I heard from someone.  Already have put the tree up, yet my lil sis said she wanted to decorate it, but she hasn’t got to it yet so I have a bare white tree in my living room.

 

But have received some bad news yesterday.  My former friend I’ve known for years have been sentenced for a year for domestic violence – 1^st degree, which they said was previously 3^rd degree.  I have kept away from him for a while because although he was my friend, I keep hearing things from other people about what was going on & some people was afraid of me hanging out w/ him may hurt me.  Also heard rumors that he had messed w/ a girl who was 16, a year older than my sister.  Even his mother & grandmother are being distant w/ me because they felt I should have helped him change, yet I’ve already been talking to him for years.  Had to pull the plug, I just couldn’t be associated w/ that.

 

But thinking over some of the events w/ people this year, I understood God showed me that my circle of friends had to become more defined.  I lost at least 2 close friends this year but gained a few others, even if they do live outside of my city.  Also have been involved w/ the Blues Society, Im one of only 2-3 paid black members out of 70+ people, but they are cool, got to just talk & be w/ a more mature crowd & network, one of my friends in it trying to get me to be one of the chair heads.  Between my twitter friends that I got closer to (all of them are pursuing their goals) & the people in the Blues Society, I have developed a friends circle that may be a bit smaller but they are positive people that I feel equally yoked to.

 

The lesson: I know it might be ok to have a lot of friends, yet sometimes it better to have a handful that’s gonna have a positive influence on life.  Its like what my pastor said: I would rather have a small real diamond that a big fake one.

My Thing on Marriage

So I have been talking to some friends, some married & some single, also have been observant to life & shows, people just have different ideas about the subject.  Just want to point out my view & might show a bit of light on why Im single.

 During my time in Hot Springs, I observed on people in relationships.  Some looking happy & some looking miserable.  But my hometown is where I developed one of my fears about marriage.  I talked to people here & it at times just seem they are more happy to be married than be w/ someone that they love.  My fear of marriage is knowing there are a lot of women that want it, and there are some that will risk marrying someone that they are not fully attractive to them.  I have seen couples that it seem like the reason they were together was because it was out of obligation & just be together to combine income.  When/If I decide to get married for some crazy reason, I want it to be w/ someone that Im equally yoked to & we have an equally attraction to each other.  But a key fear I also have is the “make it til you fake it” idea, where someone will pretend to be that ideal mate until they finally get the ring.  I also hear the saying “Men jumps into marriage thinking women wont change, Women jump into marriage thinking men will change”.  I know Im still a work in progress, yet I want someone to love me for who I am, and I want to do the same for the woman I talk to.  I want it to be w/ someone that loves me because Im that great guy, not just what I can bring.  I know women said their “clock” is ticking, yet I say if you are that desperate to have a child, go to a sperm bank.  I even had a former coworker, he said he is married & have kids w/ his wife, and he says that his wife was a “former lesbian”.  I know some women are waiting for that right man to have kids with, but women PLEASE make sure he is worthy of being father material before having kids w/ him.

 But on the subject of attraction, there are small differences between being attracted to someone & not being attracted.  It does scare me that there are women may leave someone horrible they are attracted to & marry someone they feel is husband material yet they are not doing those same things of showing being attractive as they did to their ex.  I heard a story of where a woman married a guy & would still think of her ex just to get off during sex.  I don’t want to get into a relationship in where I proved to be better than a woman’s ex yet I get less sex & stuff than when she was w/ her ex.  That’s a key reason I don’t really like the 90 day rule: Cause for every guy that has to go through that rule, theres another guy that doesn’t have to go through it w/ that same woman.

 

Just my 2 cents, hopefully I can fight my laziness today & actually put this tree up

What Im thankful for

Nothing much has changed since I last wrote. I have still been working & in fact, gonna hear from my friend/manager from the 2^nd job on what she would need from me if I do start this week.  I spent most of Saturday helping my sis w/ some research for school at the library.  But while I was talking to her, she mentions that my family, who I thought was coming in maybe Wednesday, came in YESTERDAY, and are staying out on Lake Hamilton in some sort of timeshare property.  So hopefully, I can try to spent the rest of this weekend cleaning my junkie room.

 

But knowing this is Thanksgiving week coming up, I know I have to remember all the things that Im thankful for.  Looking over 2012, even if there is one month & some change left, Im thankful for the things I learned.  I know I lost some close relatives & friends this year, Im thankful God allowed me to be closer to my family that don’t live in the same city as me.  Also thankful that I have been able to get closer to some of my friends on twitter, and the people I now follow & talk to all have good things going for themselves.   Im thankful for having the ability to make my circle from random people to people I know that will have my back & I know I can be a good friend to them.  For my two uncles that died this year, Im thankful they showed me the meaning of being men, to do what you have to do to make a living & handle responsibility.  Im thankful for my mom & sis, I know they may bug me at times but I still love them & will lay my life on the line for them.  I know its been 18 yrs since my dad’s death, yet I am thankful for the short time I had w/ my dad & being able to say I have a dad that loved his family & was a positive role model not just for me but for the city of Hot Springs.  Im thankful to wake up & sleep every day, thankful to walk, talk, pray, thinking for myself, & everything else.

 

 

Last but not least, I am thankful to God for me being different.  I know I sometimes express myself more than the next person, yet I feel that its better to say whats on your chest than just holding it in.

 

But leaving some of my words here, bout to go see if I can finish cleaning up & may check out this Dallas/Cleveland game & its a close one.

 

Monday is Mine

Feel like a zombie typing this up. Whats been going on w/ me?? Life. So on the business front, still working yet have been talking to other companies, in fact, already talked to someone this morning. I interviewed for an HR position & should be called back about it later on. On the way out, I ran into one of my mom’s friends, she just been named manager for a new store & she asked me about being a asst manager for the night shift. Hey, its more money as a temp 2nd job, and I wont go to Houston empty handed. Speaking of Houston, so far Ive decided to move in January, November & December are the holidays. But I do want to make it to NBA All-Star Weekend in Houston in February. Mom & sis are doing well. Mom still a lil upset about me thinking about Houston yet I see now It might be because of her relationship w/ my grandpa. As for my sister, the football season is over & I was proud of her for making it in her first full football season as a varsity cheerleader. Took her out to eat a bit during this past weekend. While at the store, one of her male friends came to me & told me I spoil my lil sis. I do sort of agree & might back off a bit, yet still looking at buying my mom & sis gifts for Christmas. Now also in my personal life, I have sort of taken up a new thing: Zumba. I went to my 1sr ever class last Friday morning, it was steady movement yet it felt like I was doing some robot moves at time lol. Been more social as well, talking to people on the phone more often now & texting more often. I already now have a “lady friend” I talk to, The only thing is Im still trying not to be afraid about what if I start boring her. But yeah, that’s it in a nutshell, still a lil tired, must not been getting that much sleep at work lol.

Starting Anew.............

If many of you have noticed something on Twitter, it is true: I have deactivated my old twitter acct & created a new on.  With all the stuff I was going through, I thought it would be time for a change.

 

A while back, me & a friend I have been talking to for almost a year, basically “grew apart”.  We used to talk on the phone every other night & even kicked it a few times.  Then all of a sudden, she was having issues & had to move home w/ her mom & she ended up taking a night job as well.  I once remember that whenever she was stressed about something, she would call me & I would listen & give advice, even supported her on her business.  I understood that she was busy yet I noticed some things that were happening like she would never hit me up on her off day & hang w/ her friends & would flirt w/ more guys on twitter.  I remember we were having full convos through text & I was wondering why she would rather text than talk, we ended up going the whole month of September not talking on the phone w/ each other, she no longer enjoyed talking to me but would not admit it.  I sent her an email saying that I felt like she was hiding behind chatting & texting & I told her if she was not interested in talking to me anymore, just say something & I would just leave her alone.  She caught me on FB chat & chatted about some things, I had to asked her 3x if she lost interest in me, she finally said yes after blowing off the question a few times but she said she wanted to focus more on her career.  A few days later, I gotten a text from her that she missed me & I would always be her friend, yet I responded in an email why would I be a friend when I supported you & you blew off talking to me for over a month?? No response.  What got me was that when my uncle died, she texted me but then she called me at a time when I was at work, almost like she purposely called me at that time to leave a vm so she could avoid talking me.  I remember in the beginning of October, I remembered I followed her best friend & I DMed her on why she was being distant, she pretty much told me that she didn’t like me anymore yet she didn’t even know why.  I thanked her for the info & said her friend was a coward for not telling me this.   I even wrote a blog about why do women push away guys that proved to be supportive to them.  My friend caught wind & instead of contacting me about me talking to her friend & the blog, she blasted me on twitter.  I apologized for my actions yet I told her I was just upset because she wouldn’t talk to me about what was going on.  I sent one last email saying on how she was being distant for no reason & would not communicate & told her if there was any beef between us to PLEASE call me & we could work things out.  I have not heard from her ever since that day & have not gotten a reply to that email.  Now if I was somehow thrown into the friend zone, I just wish she would have said that.

 

 

But after this, it just had me thinking.  This girl basically distant herself & also would tweet, text, & chat, but would not talk verbally about her feelings.  I started to wonder if I was like this since I liked her at one point.  So I basically took a twitter break, before I did, I gave my contact info to some of my closest twitter friends to get at me whenever.  And one night last week, I thought about it; maybe I do need to change some things.  So I decided to become more professional & put my nickname to rest, & that’s how I became @ItsMrJohnson5 , because I also felt I should retire @KingJaffe5 for a better image

 

But I want to thank all my twitter friends that’s been there for me when I was feeling down; Valeria, Lamonica, Shelly, Cicely, Marla, and my LBs Steve & Calvin for reminding me that I should not trip over one pretty face.  I also want to thank God for everything & pray that I would get the bitterness out my system.

 

 

Follow me on my new twitter: ItsMrJohnson5

Year of Communication

Been thinking about stuff that has been going on this year. I think I understand how everything is connected this year: Communication. During the year, I have dealt w/ individuals that had problems w/ it but also have strengthened it / some individuals as well. Some things that happened this year: -I had one supervisor who has been distant from me even when I went above & beyond for her, later found out she was upset because she wanted her grandson in my position & didn’t want to say anything about it. -I had another supervisor that had problems w/ communication. I once had to take off my work shirt to try & fix a desk in the office. The sup walked in, saw me, & instead of asking me what was going on, she pulled my coworkers aside & asked them why I had my work shirt off when I was visible working on something. -Me & my mom in a way having this “quiet battle”. As I mentioned earlier, I have been filling out apps to try to move to Houston. My mom have been making slick remarks, I once talked to my aunt that lives in Houston about who is all hiring, I told my mom I talked to my aunt, , my mom asked if those places has Hot Springs locations I could apply to. My mom has been pushing hard on these Hot Springs places, which I already applied to a while back & haven’t heard from them. Its like my mom wants me to stay but she will not verbally admit it. -And recently I had this close friend that I just lost, we've been talking for a year & we used to talk to each other on the phone, now she has been distant from me. We have not talked to each other on the phone since Aug 28th of this year, she said she has been too busy to talk to me yet she has spent time w/ everyone but me. She would text me & may chat w/ me, yet I get this feeling she is hiding behind that so she wont be vocal. I have sent emails over a month ago talking about us being distant yet she wouldn’t respond. She basically gave me the cold shoulder & yet will not tell me whats wrong & is afraid to be verbal about it even when she still has my number. I do want to ask: Why is it hard for some women to be verbally honest except in gossiping?? Not trying to bash women here.......... But basically what I have done was gotten in contact more w/ my friends on twitter, DMing them that I was taking a break from twitter & just try to call, email, or text me. I just didn’t want to be one of those people that its easier for me to express myself on social sites than in the real world. When Im gonna be back on twitter?? Dont really know, have things to work on. So if you know me through twitter, DM me. Still applying to places in Houston, in fact, planning to make a stop there late next month. Be Blessed & Be Careful out there